Done, Done, DONE!! Grrr..

frustrated bear

I am SO DONE with one sided relationships!!! I have a lot of “friends”. I have the ones who look over the edge of the hole I may be in and ask me how I got there in the first place (judgmental “friends”). I have the ones who hand me a ladder and tell me to get out of the hole (sympathetic “friends”)… then I have the ones who will get in the hole with me, freak out and blame me for being in the hole (drama “friends”)! Then we are BOTH there and miserable together.. ugh!

drama choice

Then there are the ones who will climb into the hole with me, hold my hand, tell me it’s going to be OK and support me while I find my way out of the hole. They aren’t really IN the hole, they are just empathetic to my circumstances and will love me no matter where I am. They don’t bail the first time they see that I am in trouble. They don’t run away or get disillusioned when they see me in a valley and avoid me until I am in a better place. These friends are very few and far between and my circle is extremely small. They are also the ones you can call on to help you move a body. (follow link) I know who I can count on during these times and I also forgive those who cannot be that person.  They are dealing with their own valleys and need those of us who can love them where they are.  The ironic part about me is that I am that person for so many because that is the type of friend I am and I do not mind helping others. But is it too much to ask to have others do that for me? Am I being selfish by wanting people to be there for me?

one seesaw

Over the years, I have given and given and done and done and DONE! So I guess I have inadvertently created this illusion that I don’t need anyone. Is that what I have done?? I am tired… I am tired of being the only one who gives to some who only take. They make little or no effort. Weeks will go by with no word.. until I am the one who reaches out. I am the one who travels to see them with no reciprocation. I have made the effort to be there for specific occasions any time I am needed with no one to return the same effort. Now, I do have the freedom to do this when others do not and I appreciate that so again, that is easier to forgive. But after almost 8 years, I am done expecting anyone to change this behavior.

crossing oceans

Life has its ups and downs, valleys and mountains, highs and lows… etc. There is no way to avoid some things that happen to you and around you. Even if you are just sitting at home watching TV minding your own business, a sink hole can open up below you and swallow your house. But when we go through the trials of life, it is then when we find out who truly cares about us. The ones who pick up the phone and CALL you to see how you are doing or at least send a text and check on you; they are the ones who you can say “Those are my people” because they know you would do the same and HAVE done the same for them. It is nice to know someone is praying for you and sending you good thoughts and energy. This is how you get through the lows, valleys and downs in life. That is why it is important to make friends but you can’t stop there! You have to cultivate that friendship. You have to pay attention and feed it just like any relationship! It is not one-sided! It takes effort on both sides…. Those same friends are the ones who are there to share all of the joys and celebrations too.

One of the things I have had to come to terms with is “out of sight, out of mind”. People do not mean to forget you, but they do because you are not there. They go on with their lives and make new friends and you make new friends and there is no malice involved. It is just the way of the world. I also appreciate that my mindfulness of friendships is a foreign concept to most. Everyone gets so busy with their lives that time passes and suddenly it is years later and you haven’t seen or heard from someone in months. No one is mad at anyone else, it just happens. The hard part is not getting your feelings hurt when someone moves away or you are the one who left and no one stays in touch. So the solution? Just make new friends where you are, put forth the effort to the ones who are close by now and understand that everyone goes on with their lives and cherish the time you have together because for everything there is a season. The ones from the past are missing out on someone who was their friend all along… 




18 thoughts on “Done, Done, DONE!! Grrr..

  1. I used to go and meet people. I would go and meet them in cafés, or travel to the next town and say hi. Sometimes travel a fair few miles to see them. They were always happy to see me, especially when I was able to buy them lunch or coffee or whatever.

    Since my back got as bad as it is now and made me housebound, I have had one person come to see me three times. Well, I say they come to see me, they come to have a game of Magic The Gathering or Warhammer 40K with my son. I have had my sister turn up once since August last year, before which we used to meet each other every other day.

    I do know what you mean about people who would not be there for you. I’m lucky I do have a friend who will listen to me, will be there for me, but unfortunately can’t “be there” for me as the friend lives on the west coast of the US.

    I try to be there for people as much as I can – although that is an extremely limited capacity at the moment and thinking requires a lot of effort. There seems to be a lot of people at the moment who, when you are down that hole, will call down to tell you there is a ladder there and then walk off without throwing it down to you.

    Having someone nearby who says “I am here when you need me” and meaning it, is a … would be a … very good friend to have.

    I really hope you have at least one person near you who can come and see you, who you can go and see that will help you move bodies. I am always a listening ear for you Courtney, even if I am a few thousand miles away. I can listen.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do… I have a couple of people that I can count on for friend fuel. They are the only ones I trust implicitly. I have some really great friends and people I enjoy spending time with and hanging out with but I would not tell them my deepest darkest secrets. I reserve that for just one or two because of my own trust issues. And.. I would not want others to change their opinion of me. If they knew some things, it would totally change the way they think of me thus changing the dynamics of our relationship. I am sorry you have been home bound without people to come see you. That is tough. If I lived close enough I would come see you!! If I had a friend here who couldn’t leave, I would certainly go see them. I used to be close to my brother, but we haven’t had that relationship for a long time. He isn’t a touchy feelly person to begin with but has a tendency to be all about his little world and the rest of us kind of get left out. My daughter is his only niece and she has tried to have a relationship with him to no avail. He loves her, and they get along, he just doesn’t make time for her… and she has a real hard time with that, but I have come to terms with those who choose not to be a part of my life. I look at it as their loss… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • Having just one person know secrets is a good thing. Heh thinking about that song again lol.

        There are some things about me that people would view me differently with, but that is in my past and hopefully stays there. I have no intention of becoming a star or politician so I think those skeletons can remain well and truly buried. The only person I tell is my friend I speak to. My soul mate.

        It is a shame about your brother. Maybe you will get close again. I had to change my blog almost ten years ago becasue of my brother. We had a rift that split the family. Last year though, we started talking again. I do not trust him, I don’t think I ever will again, but at least we are talking. Maybe you and your brother will be able to move on as well.

        I am glad you have people that will be there for you.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. What a heartfelt post, Courtney. Friendships, as any relationship, are strife with misunderstandings and high expectations and some misgivings and many times disappointments. But the good ones, those friends who help you out of the hole with love and empathy – those are the ones to keep. I decided long ago (I think even in my high school years) to not expect too much from my friends. Then, I’m highly surprised and happy when one of them really comes through when needed. I try to be the kind of friend who is always there, but I know sometimes I fail, not because of lack of interest, but as you say, sometimes our valleys and hills make the path too crooked.

    Liked by 1 person

    • What it boils down to is knowing who you can trust… and who you can’t with certain things. I know that without a doubt. When other people are in their valleys I do not expect anything from them. But when I have consistently made them a priority and that is almost never reciprocated?? I get to the point where I stop being the friend who always gives. I have those who appreciate me enough to be grateful for my friendship..
      I was concerned there would those who read my post and thought I was talking about them so I made a point of sending a text and saying.. fyi this was NOT about you! LOL! One friend wrote me back and said “of course not, we don’t have the kind of friendship where you would tell me something in a blog!” And she was right! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve really enjoyed reading this, getting a bigger picture of your life. A lot of what you’re saying about being down in the well is much like what Pastor JS Park says in the book on depression I’ve just finished editing. Things like, “Don’t be disappointed when some people have to walk away; they’re just not emotionally equipped to handle a really depressed friend.”

    As I read your post I realize I’m not the kind of friend I should be, either. I do get spinning in my own world — it seems like there’s never enough time to connect with friends… maybe because I spend so much time blogging! Social media has become a real problem for some people: spending hourss checking their Facebook but never with their friends.

    Another thing, if I may dare say it: you should make shorter paragraphs. Long paragraphs — especially when the print is small — are hard to read. Perhaps you could increase your font size, too? Do you know how? It’s done through the Customize button.

    Looking forward to reading more about you, and your stories on Friday Fictioneers. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Christine! I should make smaller paragraphs. I will try and increase the font-size as well. I am not sure how to do that but I will try with my next post. I appreciate your feedback! Especially since you are an editor. I don’t write as often as I should. I allow life to get in the way. When I first started blogging I wrote every day. But it was in the summer and I wasn’t in class.

      I returned to school a few years ago to stimulate my mind and get out of the house. I had gone to college right out of high school under protest. I didn’t want to be there and I did not understand what a gift education is. I realized I only needed a few classes to complete my Associates so I did that first at the local community college. I will go to a university this fall to continue my Bachelor’s in Speech Communications. I should have it in 4 semesters. Then I will hopefully achieve my Masters. My end game is to be a college professor but who knows what will happen along the way. I will give it my best washot though. 😉


    • I have had to let go of several people and it is hard to do sometimes. It’s not that I don’t still love them or would be there, I am just not chasing people down. If they care enough to stay in touch with me, then I will reciprocate, but I am NOT going to continue to be the only one who makes the effort. Life is too short and there are too many who actually WANT to spend time with me and check on my well being… ❤


  4. I’m sorry this has happened to you. I believe hearts like yours and mine are apt to have this happen to them. There’s a practice in coaching about not talking about players who aren’t available. If someone’s hurt, suspended, etc., we concentrate on those who are with us. It’s not out of spite or disrespect; it’s a focus on those who are there, here and now.

    It’s the same with friends. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed that some friends haven’t shown up for me when I need them most. But I try to think of ways they might not have been able to. At the very least, I can’t control their actions, only their own.

    When they do come back around, I just follow my instincts. Sometimes, I’m grateful. Other times, maybe not so much. But either way, I want to make sure that those close to me by choice aren’t overlooked because I can’t figure out why someone didn’t show up for me!


    • It is hard to discern why people do not reciprocate.. especially when we have been there for them. I am tired and I have decided I need to make sure I am paying attention to the ones closest to me. I am usually the friend who makes the effort but I will only try a few times now, then I give up. “If you don’t care, I care less” is a good mantra I have learned to live by. If they DO care, they will check in. The hard part is not taking it personally. Sometimes, they do not mean harm at all, it just doesn’t occur to them to make the effort because I always do. But I know who I can count on.. and who I can’t and that is still a very small number. I am done with one sided relationships. I don’t have time or the inclination to chase after those who don’t want to spend time with me. I have more important people to take care of!! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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