Weddings and Funerals…

It is amazing to me how these two events can bring out the best and the worst in people. We have had way too many funerals in recent years and there are several stories I could share about the assholes who were brought to the surface when these events took place. At the same time, people stepped up and helped one another and the acts of true friendship and family could be found during the hard times. However, some relationships were completely severed and may never be healed as a result.

 
Emotions run high and people will say and do things that you would never imagine…both good and bad. A kinder part of someone will emerge and we are surprised by the broken heart and can take mercy on that person when we see the real pain that has been pushed down for so long. On the other hand, you have those who are always sweet, reserved and you feel can be relied on… turn into the meanest, most belligerent, unkind folks to walk the earth. Some facades fall and other walls are built. It is unpredictable.

wedding
Case in point: Our daughter is getting married next week and we are facing this challenge again. The ones whom we thought for sure would be supportive of this event and come are choosing to be hateful and uncaring of feelings. They will regret their decisions. My child is my mother’s first granddaughter and probably the only one she will live long enough to see get married. Her only other grandchildren are less than 2 years old which will put her somewhere in her 90’s when/if they walk down the aisle. She has chosen not to be at the nuptials in spite of my daughter calling to ask her to please be there. My mother was sent an invitation as well. She is welcome and we were all hoping this event could be a time of healing and joy for this family. I guess she hates me and my husband too much. She claims we have always been mean to her and for the life of me, I can’t figure out how or why she thinks this way. I know she has a skewed version of the truth of some situations but her memory is truly flawed. She has conveniently forgotten all of the things we have done for her over the years and tells everyone how mean we are. Well, those who know us and people who are close to us know the truth.

 
I am not going to list all of the things she has accused me of or why she believes I am the source of all her pain. It isn’t worth my time or abuse to my psyche to relive the hateful and horrible things she has said.

bi-polar
My mother probably has a true mental problem. I feel sorry for her. But I have learned to stay away knowing her toxicity is not healthy for me or my family. I pray for her, I love her and I have never told my daughter not to see her or have a relationship especially since she is my daughter’s only living grandmother. I have warned her though. And unfortunately my mother has proven me right. I know my mother loves her, but she thinks she is punishing my daughter or the rest of us by not coming to the wedding. She is only punishing herself and I believe she will regret her decision. It only makes her look bad because when people ask…. And they will… we will tell them the truth. Everyone who knows my mother also knows her problems and they will be sad, but will understand. They will also feel sorry for her.

 
We are not going to allow it to ruin this joyous occasion but I am sad because I am afraid the next time I see my mother… it will be her funeral 😦

funeral

37 thoughts on “Weddings and Funerals…

  1. First, congrats to you and your daughter’s wedding. How exciting for you!! This is the grand moment. I’m so sorry you have to deal with the sideshow of your mother’s feelings. I wish I had some good advice here, but I’m betting her feelings go deep. Maybe she just needs to start feeling included in the day and she’ll change her mind, knowing this day is bigger than her. Best of luck! And congrats again. xo

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    • Thanks Amy… I appreciate your words of encouragement. The story goes back a long time. My mother and I have had an on again/off again feud for about 12 years. But she has always made it clear that I have been a thorn in her side all of my life. She didn’t want kids when she accidentally got pregnant with me. She has accused my husband and I of being horrible parents and accused me of some pretty awful things that don’t even make sense. I was hoping she would come to the wedding… let the past be the past, but she is a champion at holding a grudge. It is really sad she will miss the only grandchild wedding she will be able to attend with clarity and health. My niece and nephew are only 19 months old and 6 weeks old. She is 70… :-/

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      • It’s all about her.. and she has to be the center of attention. If not, she is unhappy and makes everyone else unhappy. My daughter tried to include her in the wedding planning but she didn’t like any of my daughter’s ideas and tried to talk her out of her theme. All the while telling her I shouldn’t help her?? Because I would try and make the wedding like mine?? Nothing could be further from the truth.. but there is the truth, and then there is my mother’s version…

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  2. Oh Courtney ! This is so bittersweet. First congratulations on the joyous occasion. I hope everything goes smoothly full of love and peace 🙂
    You know what they say, weddings and funerals are the kind of occasions which are the perfect opportunity to put things behind and move on, it’s sad that your mother isn’t willing to do so.

    I wish you all the luck for coming days.
    Much love,
    Zee ❤

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    • Thanks so much Zee… it is definitely a bittersweet time. I am to the point where I just want it over and done with! It is stressful and I am mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted and my life doesn’t stop even after it is done. I have school starting soon after and auditions and family coming to Texas and.. and.. and… ugh! :-/
      You are so sweet to think of me… send lots of positive energy! The Holy Spirit will have to be in charge THAT day! LOL! ❤

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  3. I saw something a couple of days ago, and this rings true for this post. “You can do 99 things for someone, but they will always remember the one thing you didn’t do”.

    Your daughter has you there and that is a great thing. Whether your mother decides at the last moment to try and heal things by turning up is another matter.

    When I went to my grandmother’s funeral, there were vultures everywhere. I went with my mum once to help clear her house, and she was picking things up saying “I’m having that before the vultures get here” It didn’t strike me until two days later that the biggest vulture was already there. She stopped speaking to her family because of their accusations on it, with her saying “It’s just because they wanted it all”.

    I haven’t spoken to my mum’s family in years because they are all like that. It is a shame when people will not put their differences aside for something like a wedding or a funeral. It is supposed to be a happy time, or a time to remember the good things.

    It is true though that you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.

    I hope your daughter has a really special day next week, and stay strong Courtney.

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    • Thanks Al! I do have a lot of support and I believe it will be a great day! If my mother shows up now, it will be for purely selfish reasons. She might start thinking about what people will say about her not being at the wedding so will come but my mother is not one who does well when SHE isn’t the center of attention. It’s not about her… it’s about my daughter and I have done everything in my power to make it the most perfect day I can. Unfortunately, I can’t do anything about humans.. :-/
      People are petty. My husband has family members and I have family members I have no relationship with because of stuff that happened before, during and after a funeral… it is sad. But, their loss! 🙂

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      • My mother likes to be the centre of attention as well. If someone is ill, she has to have it worse. My sister and I are sure that there is Munchhausen’s in there somewhere. We are thinking of making up an illness and mentioning the symptoms to her. See if she comes down with it.

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      • Ah! So she would be Friend #4?? Always having to be better Or Worse.. as it were… Yep, mine too. You can’t tell her anything without her comparing herself to whatever or whoever! Ugh :-/ You should experiment just see what she does!! LOL! Let me know the result…. ha ha! 😉

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  4. I just saw this post – been ‘vacationing’ a bit this summer. Now, the wedding is over. Was it WONDERFUL? Photos? I’m so happy for your daughter, and so sorry for your mother. She has truly missed out on love, family, the true meaning of what it means to be part of a happy life. But I hope you didn’t let that ruin YOUR life. Congrats to you all!!! ❤

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    • Yes the wedding is over and I can breath for 5 minutes. It was beautiful and over all went very well!! I have a lot to do and things coming up quickly over the next few weeks. It is sad my mother chose not to be there. My brother even tried talking her into it. Her excuse to him was that she was left out of the wedding planning.. well, that’s because she told my daughter she didn’t really like her ideas and also hated the burlap my sister-in-law used and thought SIL/brother’s wedding was ugly. SAME ideas my daughter had only different colors. She also told my daughter that I (her mother) would only want to do things MY way which was the LAST thing I did. I made that wedding everything SHE wanted it to be, within my power. If she had wanted everyone to wear purple birthday hats, I would have bought the hats!! It was about as close to perfect as I could get it… I had done that for her for prom night and she knew I would do it again for the wedding. My mother truly is a troubled soul and I am sorry she was not there because she will regret her decision, but she will blame everyone else for it. My daughter is the only grandchild she will probably live long enough to see walk down the aisle. My brother’s kids are 20 months and 8 weeks old. She will be in her 90s if she lives that long. WHICH she probably will just to spite the rest of us!! LOL! 😀

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  5. The issues with your Mom have gone on longer than 12 years. I remember her well & how she treated & talked about you. Then when your hubby came into the picture it was worse! She also wanted nothing to do with me when I was in her presence because I took a certain person’s attention away from her. As I grew & learned psychology, I can see now past anger and I pity her. Her issues are deep and there is something mentally askew. Forgive & move on. Rid your life of toxic people like we usually do. I know it’s difficult when it come to family, but such people are poison to your soul. I had to forgive her for falsehoods said against an ex family member but I haven’t been able to forget. The good thing out of that whole mess is getting You & your Daughter. Oh and your hubby lol.

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    • So true Rhonda… yes, there have been issues with my mother most of my life. They just escalated at the point when I opened my business. She was no longer the center of attention in Paducah and couldn’t deal with her perception of competition which, I have been in with her ALL of my life. She has accused both Wayne and I of the most God awful stuff that isn’t true, but there is the truth and then there is HER version of the truth. I was sad that she couldn’t put those feelings aside even for my daughter to be there on her wedding day but she hates me THAT much. I feel sorry for her. I forgave her long ago for all of the things that happened to me growing up and things she has said and done to my family as an adult. I have to stay away for my own protection and sanity. But we had a beautiful wedding in spite of her absence. 🙂

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    • And we didn’t! It is sad to say but she really wasn’t missed… not really. My brother did try to get her to come, but her excuse to him was “I was not allowed to be a part of the planning.” REALLY?? Yeah, that’s a legitimate excuse! NOT! She told my daughter she didn’t want to be anywhere near me or my husband. It is sad that she missed this, but it is her loss and the people who love my daughter the most (and who COULD attend) were there! 🙂

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  6. Im sorry to hear about your situation. Weddings and funerals do bring out the best and worst in people. Weddings never end happily in my family. I had one aunt being abused by her ex, during her honeymoon. I had my family damn near kill themselves before my cousins first wedding. its just a mess. I never want to be married.

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    • Hey Vinny,,, So sorry I haven’t responded to your comment! I thought I had already, but apparently I had not.
      We do have some happy marriages in our family. My aunt and uncle will celebrate 50 years on Friday. But they aren’t all good unfortunately. Funerals are sad.. but why people have to turn into complete idiots still astounds me 😦
      I have been married for 30 years. He is the love of my life (now) but it hasn’t always been good, I won’t lie. But all of the bad times are worth the good I have with him now! 🙂

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      • No worries. I dont take offense to unaswered comments.

        Congrats on your long marriage. I have a few people in my family married that long. My aunt being one of them.

        Funerals, i have no idea about. My famuly is super dramatic and over the top at funerals. And Ive never attended one, Im going off what Ive been told.lol

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  7. I got married in July and didn’t have my dad or his family there. They aren’t my family and it’s sad true but you can’t just say blood is thicker cause blood isn’t. People who matter and who stayed for all the bad bits as well as the good are closer family to me. I do miss the family u had but looking back I realise it was an illusion in my head of what family should be and that’s not what we had. Wedding should be about celebrating the positive and that’s exactly what we did! Great post xxx

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    • Thanks Rochelle… I am sorry you have a similar story. I have a couple of friends with the same issue with one or the other parent and in one case, both. It is sad that people can hold a grudge to the point they miss out on the important events in life. There are no do overs….. My husband has no relationship with his brother because of events from my father-in-law and his stepmother’s deaths, step siblings etc. It is all sad! I really appreciate you stopping by!! 🙂

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